This week has been very strange for a number of reasons.

I’ve felt as though I’ve been falling through space due to illness that is messing with the equilibrium in my head and to the fast-approaching end of the term.  I cannot believe it’s May.  But not just May; it’s the end of May.  And not just the end of May, but the end of May which marks the one year anniversary of my graduation from college.  Whew.  The days roll by and at times I just blindly follow the waves.  I’m floating, as if I’m in a swimming pool disrupted by the elementary school divers.  One roll after the next.  I can’t really tell if I’m enjoying the ride or a bit perturbed that I don’t have control of the entire pool.

I think feelings of being out of control stem from the fact that I’ve said goodbye to many friends for a year (!) or possibly several and am rapidly approaching my cross-continental move.  The weekend spent at Gustavus, my beloved alma mater, was amazing and yet terrifying.  I’m no longer in the loop for many things: Eta Sigma Phi and the classics department, my college friends’ lives, and college politics.  I just went with the flow earlier this month and nodded absent-mindedly when new things were brought into the conversation.  However, at the same time, I soaked up information like a sponge.  Who did what now to whom?  They got married?  Who got a new job where?

I’m pretty sure that these feelings are normal, especially for a (relatively speaking) homebody like me.  I’ve always been so close to my parents and my college friends are the first people I’m not related to who have been reliable and like siblings (the kind one likes, of course!).  It will be hard to start over yet again.  I was reminded of how many times I’ve had to start over when I was filling out applications for grad school.  One application asked me for all of my high schools.  Let’s see… at one time or another I followed six different curriculums of study in three states.  And that’s not even for all of high school.  Because of a head injury, I didn’t actually graduate high school and jumped straight to college.  Then I was a freshman twice because of a knee injury in 2004.  Anyway, my point is that I’ve had to start and restart so many times that even though being by myself became routine, I quickly became accustomed to being with actual, close, family-like friends.  Even though I believe with most of my heart (the part that isn’t afraid of letting go of whatever place I have here in the States) that Durham is the right path for me to go next, I’m terrified of leaving and going through all that reestablishment again.

With that being said, I’m determined to fly.  I just need that little push out of the nest in order to begin to soar like I did at Gustavus.  After all, practice makes perfect, and I have the practice thing down.

My Goal

My Goal

Grateful: books, libraries, and ILL.  I have thirteen books out on various topics for my Robin Hood paper.  They range in topics from Edward II to late middle ages society to heraldry and include titles such as Landscape and Memory, Ideology of Adventure, and Outlaws in Medieval and Early Modern England.

Also, things like this: James Purefoy, Pride and Prejudice, and Middle English nerds.

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